我又再钻牛角尖了。
很讨厌这样的自己。可是回想起过去，我发现我一直都在钻牛角尖，从来没有停止过，只是平时因为要面对很多更重要的东西，所以暂时阁下，逼自己不去想它。我怎么钻牛角尖？举个例子：我从来都受不了自己的字迹(handwriting, 不知道这个中文名称对不对），从来都不喜欢。其实我小时候还有个很奇怪的兴趣，只要是我认为是漂亮的字，我就会去模仿，所以我的handwriting一直在改变，可是从来就没有人说过什么。到了中学，这个情况有了‘好转’。我还是很想把字写得漂亮些，可是我总是不满意，而且过了一阵子，又会回到难看的字迹。这个问题一直缠着我，到现在还是。
我是很奇怪吧？
我也是一个集中力超无敌不足的人。一篇reading我可以读很久很久，就是因为我不能专心，所以我也不喜欢看书。心思总是飘忽不定。脑袋里随时都可以'pop'出各种东西，什么怪念头都可以随时随地出没。问题是，该想的东西，我不想。不该想的，我偏爱想。欠扁吧？
不能集中，所以才会钻牛角尖，妨碍我做事。偏偏我属牛，固执得很。被人讲了几百次，被自己训了上万次，这个死脑袋还是听不进去。
我甚至考虑过，应该看个什么心理医生之类的。哈哈。
有人说我善解人意，我想是因为我老爱羡慕别人的缘故造成的。总是只看到和羡慕别人的好，看轻了自己。为别人想，是因为不想把别人想得那么坏。
我总爱羡慕别人有坚定的信念、知道自己未来要做什么、有伟大的梦想、有漂亮的字迹、有漂亮的脸蛋、聪明的头脑、数不完啊。都是因为我很在意别人怎么看我。我可不可以不要去在乎别人怎么看我？
可是如果别人也是不在乎外人怎么看他们，那为何要把自己打扮得那么好看？为什么会有好胜心的存在？为什么要做些什么事来证明自己（给别人看）？可是为什么他们又好像不被我所烦恼的事情给困扰？还是因为他们只是选择不谈，而我却笨笨地把自己摊开来让人看得一清二楚？
看得出平时的我其实有那么烦恼吗？应该不难看出吧？认为我是‘key siao’了吗？钻牛角尖到很严重hor? 可是我从小到大都是这样啊。
That's why I am confused. Very confused. I thought I am ok already, but it came back to me again...
Why am I not as smart and as hardworking as some people? Why am I like that? I feel like an immature teenager who is at the stage of self-doubt, still searching for one's own identity...But I thought I had found it..
What are my goals? What are my dreams? I don't know. Why am I so damn lazy???
Joyce said Geminis are very lazy people, and I realised it is true...I am always trying to find an easy way out, not wanting to think hard enough about my work, my studies, just wanting to get things over and done with. Having interest in NOTHING...probably except singing...but I don't even really work towards developing my singing skills or what...anyway come on, my voice is not even unique, it can be found anywhere on the streets...
I hate myself for not working towards any goals, or to even set a goal at least...I hate myself more for complaining, and in the end not doing anything... I might as well should just go and die..(don't worry I won't commit suicide) Sorry, I do have very negative thoughts occasionally...but the lazy me won't fulfil these thoughts either.. :)
我知道每个人都不一样，也知道人比人，气死人，也知道自己有自己的优缺点。我都知道。但是我摆脱不了这个啰唆的脑袋。
视线越来越模糊，眼皮越来越重。可是我想清醒。That is why I want to "Free my mind forever".
I am abnormal... :S
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3 comments:
yo.. my dear ah kiat.. you are not adnormal.. u are normal.. actually.. there are lots of pple who are like you.. the only problem with you here is u are a perfectionist.. you expect too much from urself.. honestly, you read much faster than me la... i also cant concentrate on a reading for too long.. so why dun u read for 5-10 min.. take a short break.. like look around.. walk around.. take water.. to relax ur mind before u come back.. and dun be so hard on urself.. u are really gd enough.. to wat i read from ur blog.. what u believe is bad.. is actually ur good point.. so take it easy.. dun force urself.. but be urself.. jia you!!
o ya.. btw.. weiling here ar.. link me at www.jaslyn0o.blogspot.com
hi miss香蕉皮,try not to expect so much of everything...take for example,handwriting.It can be improved with time,so why bother copying?I am sure you can write as well as any,we all can I believe.It's like...we all have our own signatures, we developed it...it belongs to us,understand?
It's tiring when you use a benchmark 2 gauge yourself. Look around,the person opposite you might be smarter...but he/she might not enjoy the great social life you have,eh?
this post is more like a shoutout of your thoughts than a complaining one...oh by the way, I am sure you are not alone...I used to think like you too, perhaps you can try learning how to shrug it off...I heard lazy people can do that very well,haha...oops
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